And now, it's grown to the point where I need some sort of outlet, what this blog was meant to be in the first place. I've often thought that I don't want to be a collector of disheartening memories of the lower points of my life. I did enough of that in the past. I have the heart-wrenching hand-written journals to prove it. But this is real life, my friends, and while my blogs are meant to remember the good and cultivate happiness, sometimes I just can't feel content 100% of the time.
Up until 2009, I was quite the pessimist. I drained myself and the people around me because I was so insecure, unsteady, erratic. Then, something changed. Maybe it was the natural order of growing up. Maybe it was talking to someone that helped. Maybe it was studying abroad, changing lifestyles and the people around me. Whatever it was, I began to feel happy. More specifically, the past year has been an overwhelming abundance of happiness. Even when situations should have wore me down, I faced them with more confidence and level-headed thinking than ever before.
This past month, I feel like I lost that magic cloak of content. Every area of my life has me feeling that I'm engaging in a losing battle; my to-do list is never ending and my stress level increasing. There's a nail in my tire and all of the air and energy is slowly seeping and escaping my hold. It could be that I'm in a slump at work. It could be more things demanding my time and attention. Lack of sleep. Lack of motivation to exercise regularly. Poor eating habits. Disinterest in several things, even writing at times. My life is messy, cluttered, frantic, overbooked; it's a gnarled sweater that is slowly unraveling from both here and there.
So what will I do after I am done venting to the Internet? I will learn how to knit it all back together, one string at a time.
Everyone hits that slump, more than once for sure. It's part of life. Just keep in mind you have a great support system to help you out of it! Life is more than rainbows, enjoy it in it's entirety :)
ReplyDeleteI think you've got one of those hearts that feels things more deeply than most, Jennifer - something that allows you to feel both soaring exhilaration and periods of intense exhaustion. That's a place I know well - one which those who have known me longest refer to as "the cave." (their nice way of saying I've gone off the rails again and they'll leave me alone for a few weeks until I pull it together again) I think sometimes we fight so hard to find inspiration that we wear ourselves out in the process. Sometimes we need to just let go and let inspiration find us again. So let your tires go flat. Let your sweater unravel. Keep your heart and your eyes open. Stop fighting for awhile. Let it find you.
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